Yes we watched 'It's a wonderful life' on Christmas Eve and what a wonderful life it is and how lucky am I. Its been such a great Christmas full of nostalgia and family and good friends, and much laughter and song. I have loved every minute of it. It began with going to get my Christmas tree in the pouring rain and dark on my way home one night at the beginning of the month. I chose my beautiful Norwegian Spruce and dragged it to the car and into the house and it has given me enormous joy to have it in the house for the past few weeks with its gentle white lights flickering all day and smelling so gorgeous. Every ornament has a story to tell. The Christmas after my ex husband left I had my tree delivered to the farmhouse and went to look for the decorations I had carefully saved and lovingly kept for many years. To my complete devastation and sadness it was discovered that my ex husband and his father who had had a cleaning purge of the attic that year had thrown away my beloved box of decorations. It was a huge sentimental loss, Ben's first Nursery decorations he had made (Fred was only two so hadn't had a chance to be creative yet!) were all gone. I sat and cried my eyes out in front of my bare tree, which seemed to be a metaphor for the enormous hole in my very broken heart. At this moment my dear friend arrived to take Ben to a Birthday party and was horrified at the scene in front of her. She kindly said she would go to Homebase during the party and get me some decorations. Through my tears I told her I only wanted wooden decorations which were a family tradition and she kindly set off to try and find some joy for my empty tree. The decorations she came back with (thanks to a kindly lady in the store who tried her best to help in a world of plastic decorations) are always the first that I put on my tree every year and I always remember her kindness and how far we have come since that first Christmas. That first year the decorations were sparse but elegant (!) and over the past thirteen years we have been on many adventures and travels where we have collected wonderful Christmas tree decorations and created new memories to hang each year. The first we bought together was when we went to London for a family trip the next Christmas and we bought a Harrods bauble with 2007 on it and then year on year Fred created some treasures, we bought New York themed glass ornaments, Wooden traditional Austrian decorations, and this year a beautiful china bauble with Tellaro on from our Italian holiday. I put my Nashville decoration somewhere so safe that I still haven't found it but hopefully it will appear in time for next year or my middle aged foggy brain will remember where I put it. My friends have also bought me decorations over the years and now my tree is a wonderful sentimental nostalgic tribute to the wonderful experiences we have had as a family of three.
I have partied, entertained and enjoyed fabulous friends over the past two weeks, we have discovered rude trivial pursuits - very useful questions such as how many vaginas does a Kangaroo have? (The answer is three - who knew?!), the inflatable reindeer antler game where you throw hoops at the antlers and my personal favourite every year - Butt Head. It never gets old - throwing balls at your opponent wearing a ridiculous hat with velcro on and looking even more ridiculous when the balls attach themselves to their head! Some poor sod gets it in their stocking every year just so I can have my fifteen minutes of hilarity!!!
Well its New Years Eve, and what a year it has been. My 50th year which I had been dreading so much has probably been one of the best of my life. It also had some hard knocks, particularly for a lot of good friends who are fighting battles with cancer and who have humbled me with their fortitude and bravery. However as the year ends two friends who this time last year were living healthy and happy lives are no longer with us and the after shock from these deaths will reverberate for a long time. We are surrounded with life affirming statements over Facebook, Instagram and Twitter - 'Life is precious, spend time with those you love', 'Life is short, be grateful, breathe deep, Appreciate, hug tight', 'Be grateful for everything you have - tomorrow is not guaranteed'. But do we actually think about the words and what they mean? Human nature is such that it is not until we become ill or suffer great loss that we really understand what those words mean. We really can acknowledge that even the most ordinary things that we do in our lives, the routine of our days, being with family and friends, the beauty of the natural world are the things that we will miss the most when they are taken from us. Life is both beautiful and awful every day, and loss is the saddest part of all. Its the greatest irony of life that we strive to love and be loved but then when we lose that love it is the greatest pain we can ever live through. As Alfred Tennyson said:
I hold it true whate'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
So what have I learned this year? I have learned to embrace every moment, to be brave and to follow my dreams. Going to Nashville was one of the best things I have ever done. It was a journey where I remembered who I wanted to be, what I love and how it feels to be truly happy. I partied like I used to when I was 21 and it was life affirming and amazing to be in the place I had always wanted to visit, and to eat, sleep and breathe music for a week. I have learned that Bette Davies was correct in her statement that 'growing old is not for sissies'! I know I am not old but things are starting to change and believe me as I hobble out of bed first thing in the morning until my knee gets going, suffer anxiety attacks (I have never been anxious in my life before), insomnia, hot flushes and moments of inexplicable anger at the most minor incidents (the poor man in the car park who took the space I had been waiting for is probably still in therapy) - I realise that if I couldn't find some poor old sod to be my life partner in my forties when I was still in my prime then there is no hope in my doddering, dilapidated and desperate fifties!!
I am done with internet dating - it is not a world for a romantic idealist like me - I want to live in a world where Vanilla is a flavour of ice cream not a sexual preference, and where married men work at their marriage not advertise on Tinder for a bit of fun on a Tuesday and a Thursday when their wives work.
I get so much pleasure from my vast array of wonderful friends and I never take for granted how lucky I am to have you all. I have had a year of celebration, laughter, tears, adventure and fun and my steadfast friends have been with me all the way. From my incredible and humbling surprise 50th party, to Nashville, to our trip to Italy, to concerts, trips to London, and the amazing New York holiday - it has been a year I shall always be grateful for. Thank you for sharing my journey with me - finding 50 is better than I thought and hopefully it will keep getting better. Next year I am going to concentrate on writing the novel I have always wanted to write. Watch this space! Thank you for all your words of encouragement and lovely messages you have sent me about my blog it honestly means the world to me. I look forward to continuing the journey into 2020 with you. Happy New Year to you all and my final words for the year are from the film 'New Years Eve':
'Sometimes it feels like there are so
many things in this world that we
can't control. Earthquakes, floods,
reality shows. But it's important
to remember the things that we can
-like forgiveness, second chances,
fresh starts. Because the one thing
that changes the world from a lonely
place to a beautiful place is love,
Love in any of its forms,
Love gives us hope.... hope for the New Year.
That's what New Year's Eve is to me.
Hope and a great party!
Hallelujah to that!! Have fun - love Mindy xx
